


Haikyuu B99 AU

by no_its_natrick



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV) Fusion, F/F, M/M, but basically, change it so it's all haikyuu characters, get me?, i have no idea how to title things, i take a b99 episode and, i'm not that creative, please help me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21942007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_its_natrick/pseuds/no_its_natrick
Summary: Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes but make it Haikyuu
Relationships: Takeda Ittetsu/Ukai Keishin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	1. Cold Open

**Author's Note:**

> i'm literally running on three hours of sleep and who knows when i'll update this cause of school.

Daichi stood at the front of the briefing room, his arms crossed over his chest. Silently wishing the squad would quiet down by themselves. It was too early for him to start yelling. Kuroo and Bokuto sat right in front of Daichi. The two of them arguing the correct way to prepare a bowl of cereal. Oikawa was sitting across from Suga and Akaashi, hands waving around frantically as he recounted his weekend. Tsukishima watched on from the back with Yamaguchi furiously scribbling something down in his notebook next to him. On the other side, Tanaka and Nishinoya were being rowdy as usual. Kageyama leaned back in his chair, casually kicking the seat in front of him. Hinata turned around and threw a glare at him. Daichi sighed heavily and cleared his throat.

“Okay squad. Settle down. Kageyama, I heard you cracked a case?” Daichi asked with a tilt to his head. Kageyama grinned wickedly.

“Yes, I did crack the case. So, Hinata, would you do the honors?” The squad breaks out into cheers. Hinata walks up to the blackboard, which reads: Tobio: 23 / Shoyo: 22.

“I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.” Hinata mutters under his breath as he erases the 23 and changes it to 24.

“Oh yeah! And you’re just gonna wanna add one... I’m winning!” Tobio boasts. Kuroo and Bokuto continue to clap. “It’s a good feeling. Yeah!”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” Hinata sticks out his tongue as he sits back down. With a wicked grin, Kageyama says “I will.” Daichi rolls his eyes.

“Squad. Focus. Kags, any update on the Morgenthau murder?” he asked. Kageyama stood up and made his way to the front.

“Uh yeah. Good news for all you murder fans. Earlier this morning, someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food importer Hank Morgenthau. Body was discovered by his cleaning lady. During her interview, I deduced using expert detective work,that she had something super gross on her chin.” He rambles on, clicking to show the photo of the chin. Everyone groans in disgust.

“I think it was flan.” Yamaguchi pipes up from the back.

“Yamaguchi thinks it’s flan. I think it was butterscotch pudding.” Kageyama shrugs.

“Maybe it was just, like, that old person gunk. You know how old people always have that gunk on them?” Tsukishima says with a frown.

“Oldie gunk. Could be. Yeah. Anyone else?” he asks, looking around the room. Before anyone could say anything else, Daichi interrupts by saying, “How about we focus on the murder, and not the old person gunk?”

“Crime techs are at the scene now. We’re heading back when they’re done.” Hinata states with a nod.

“Okay. I want you on this- it’s gonna be priority one for our new C.O.” Daichi added before he dismissed them.

“Wait. Tell us about the new captain.” Tsukishima inquired. Daichi hesitated.

“Captain Ukai will be here soon. He’ll want to introduce himself.” He offered to the squad. The rest of them exit the room and go their respective ways. Yamaguchi tries to casually walk up to Shimizu’s desk.

“Hey Shimizu, you know any scalpers? I want to ask Tsukishima to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it’s sold out.” he whispers. Shimizu looks up from her paperwork and puts down her pen.

“Okay, two points to make here. First, Rihanna? You… and then _Rihanna_.” she vaguely moves her hands as if she was weighing the two then makes a grossed out face. Yamaguchi sags into the chair.

“Yeah. What’s your second point?” he asks.

“He’s got a type, which is really anyone but you.” She mutters.

“Yeah, that was my ex-wife’s type, too.” Yamaguchi sighs. Shimizu decided to take pity on him because of the sad look on his face. 

“Look, a Rihanna concert is a pretty big swing, man. I don’t know. He’s into watching old movies.”

“Cool. Where would I find a place that shows old movies?”

“Oh yeah. Just go on the internet and search for the phrase ‘I want to buy two movie tickets for a boy who doesn’t like me’.”

“Great. Thank you.” Yamaguchi beamed. Shimizu rolled her eyes and got back to work.

Hinata walked over to Kageyama’s desk and took a seat on the edge of it.

“Hey, have you heard anything about the new captain?” He questioned as he threw a ball of paper away.

“Uh, no, and I don’t care. I just wish Captain McGintly had never left. He was the best.” Kageyama frowned.

“He was _terrible_. You just liked him because he let you do anything you wanted.” Hinata pouted.

...

**_Kageyama and Yamaguchi were in roller chairs, holding fire extinguishers, facing the captain’s office. Around them the squad was cheering them on._ **

**_“On your marks, get set-” Kageyama exclaimed. At that moment Captain McGintley stepped out of his office._ **

**_“What the hell’s goin’ on around here?” he asked, looking around the room._ **

**_“Fire extinguisher roller chair derby.” Kageyama replied, eyes wide._ **

**_“Okay.” he said and walked back into his office, closing the door behind him._ **

**_“And go!” yelled Yamaguchi. The two sprayed the extinguishers and rolled across the floor. The squad got crazy loud and cheered as Kageyama crossed the yellow police tape first._ **

**_..._ **

“What’s your point?” Kageyama retorted. Hinata looked at the ground for a second and sighed.

“If I’m ever gonna make captain I need a good mentor. I need my rabbi.” he confessed.

“Sorry, dude. This new guy’s gonna be a washed-up pencil pusher, who is only concerned with-” he switches to a robot voice, “ _following every rule in the Patrol Guide, meep morp zeep! Robot captain engage_.” Behind him Daichi stands up and straightens his tie.

“Is that what you think?” Captain Ukai asks, standing behind Kageyama’s chair. He immediately scrambles out of his seat.

“Hey hey. New captain alert!” he chuckles awkwardly, “You must be the new C.O. I’m Detective Kageyama Tobio. Great to meet you.” Hinata is smirking behind him, hands behind his back.

“No. Don’t let me interrupt you. You were describing what kind of person I’m going to be. I’d like you to finish.” Ukai says with a straight face.

“Ehhh. It’s not necessary.” he mumbled, trying to find a way out of this situation but seeing no other option, “Or I could recap very quickly. Sure. Um, let’s see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil-pusher.”

“Now do the robot voice,” Ukai demands, Kageyama blinks at him, “The robot voice you were doing when you implied I’m a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.” Hinata smiled even wider. While the rest of the squad looked on in amusement or curiosity, Yamaguchi was shooting Kageyama an apologetic look.

“Meep morp- zarp... robot.” Kageyama stuttered out.

“That’s a terrible robot voice.”

“Yup”

“The next time I see you, I’d like you to be wearing a necktie.”

“Oh, uh, actually the last captain didn’t care if we wore ties.” Kageyama replied, really just pushing his luck with Ukai.

“Well, your new captain does. And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders.” He looks at everyone, “Everyone. I’m your new commanding officer, Captain Keishin Ukai .”

“Speech!” cried Hinata, pumping a small fist in the air.

“That was my speech.”

“Short and sweet.” Hinata nods affirmingly.

“Sergeant Sawamura, a word?” Captain Ukai states as he walks into the office.

“Yes sir.” Daichi hurries to follow him inside. He closes the door behind him and the rest gather together. Hinata lets out a happy sigh and turns to look at Kageyama.

“I love that guy.” Hinata exclaims.

“Same.” Kageyama says back sarcastically.

“He’s so suave.” Yamaguchi chirped.

“Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe?” Shimizu asks. Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

In the safety of his new office, Captain Ukai starts to talk with Sergeant Daichi. 

“Sergeant. You were in the One Eight with me. Though you were significantly..." he trailed off.

“Fatter, sir. They called me Dad-Bod Daichi. Because I had... a large..." Daichi says.

“Stomach. Yes. I remember. I never liked that nickname. Though to be fair, it was accurate. What’s this I hear about you being on administrative leave?” Captain Ukai asks, leaning forward in his seat.

“A year ago, my husband and I had twin baby girls. Aki and Luna.” Daichi starts pulling out his wallet and shows Ukai a photo of his daughters.

“They have adorable chubby cheeks.” He commented.

“Ever since, I’ve kind of... got scared of getting hurt. Lost my edge. There was an incident in a department store.”

**...**

**_When Daichi and Kageyama pulled up to the store, they drew their guns. They walked up to the door and turned to each other._ **

**_“You go in first. I’m feeling jumpy.” Daichi mumbles._ **

**_“What? You always go in first. Look at you -- those biceps don’t go in second.” Kageyama exclaimed. They wasted a minute arguing who should go in before Kageyama gave up and went in first. They walked around and were now standing behind a rack of clothes in the dimly lit women’s section. Kageyama looks over to find Daichi scanning the room like crazy._ **

**_“Hey man, you okay? Are you still feeling jumpy?”_ **

**_“I’m fine. I’m fine.” he mutters to himself. Suddenly there’s a bang and Daichi screams. He steps out from behind the rack and starts shooting a mannequin holding a tennis racket. It falls over._ **

**_“I think he’s dead.” Kageyama claps him on the back._ **

**_..._ **

“And I’m still not right.” he ends with a shake of his head. Captain Ukai nods and walks to stand next to Daichi.

“Tell me about your detective squad.” Captain Ukai said. Daichi nodded and turned to face the window.

“Um well. Kuroo Tetsuro, Bokuto Koutarou, and Keiji Akaashi. They’re pretty much worthless. All they do is paperwork. But they make good coffee.” Daichi starts.

“Copy that.”

“Now the good ones. Tsukishima Kei: tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.”

**_..._ **

**_It’s tradition for the squad to have a secret santa. Most people enjoy receiving meaningful gifts from their co-workers but Tsukishima Kei is not one of them. Even though he specifically said to not put his name in the drawing, he knows they did it anyway. So he corners Kuroo in the Copier room._ **

**_“Tell me who has me for Secret Santa.” He demands._ **

**_“No. That takes all the fun out of it.” Kuroo smirks. Tsukishima gives him a look that could kill and Kuroo crumbles._ **

**_“It’s Bokuto. He got you a scarf. I’ll make him return it.” he quickly says._ **

**_“Yes, you will” Tsukishima threatened as he stalked out of the room._ **

**_..._ **

Daichi points at Yamaguchi next.

“Tadashi Yamaguchi: he’s a grinder. Not the most brilliant detective, but he works harder than anyone else. He’s not physically... gifted.” Yamaguchi was currently in the kitchen area trying to eat his breakfast in peace. He had just finished unwrapping his muffin when he accidentally dropped it to the ground.

“Aw man. My muffin!” He exclaims. Yamaguchi bends down to pick it up and he smacks his forehead on the edge of the counter.

“AH!” he yells in pain. Taking a step forward to balance himself, he unknowingly steps on his muffin.

“Ow! My head! My muffin and my head!” He grunts out, “And I stepped on- on my muffin and my head and my muffin.”

Captain Ukai widens his eyes in surprise. Daichi continues on, pointing to Hinata next.

“Hinata Shoyo. He’s an older brother to one sister so he’s always trying to be brave and tough.”

**_..._ **

**_A week ago, Hinata was taking his lunch break with Bokuto. He was happily munching on his sandwich. He decided it was missing something so he added a little bit of hot sauce._ **

**_“Be careful. That stuff’s pretty hot.” Bokuto said absentmindedly. Hinata not one to back down from a challenge, uncapped the bottle and haughtily asked “Oh, is it? Hmmm.” Hinata poured a large amount of sauce on his sandwich and proceeded to take a bite. Hinata immediately started to cough._ **

**_..._ **

Daichi shakes his head at the memory.

“Him and Kageyama have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. At first I objected, but ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.” Captain Ukai nods and turns to look at Kageyama.

“Tell me about Kageyama.” he asks.

“Tobio Kageyama is my best detective -- he likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn’t solved... is how to grow up.”

“That’s very well put.” The captain said, impressed.

“I’ve talked a lot about Kageyama in my departmentally-mandated therapy sessions. There are others who work on this floor but you can meet them later.” Daichi whispered. Captain Ukai nods.

“Look, you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine. But I want to make it the best in Brooklyn. And I need your help.” the Captain admits.

“Absolutely, sir. Where do we start?” They both look out into the bullpen. They see Kageyama making his way over to Hinata’s desk, breakdancing. Through the glass they could hear a muffled, “What’s happening?” Hinata looks up from the file he is reading and throws the rest of his bagel at him.

“We start with him.” Captain Ukai declares and makes his way back to his chair. Daichi nods and exits his office.


	2. Murder at Morgenthau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god i totally forgot i was writing this and this chapter has been sitting in my drafts for months. go crazy

Daichi had sent Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi to the crime scene. The group had arrived at the apartment building in the late afternoon. When they walked inside, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Kyoutani, and Yahaba were there taking photos of the evidence. Kageyama stood in the center of the room and looked around.

“Okay. So the perp came in through the window, left a muddy red footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack.” Kageyama says. Hinata nods absentmindedly and moves around the room.

“Shell casings found here,” measuring angles, Hinata holds up his hand as if holding a gun “Two shots. Bang. Bang.”

“Good work, detective. You get a tie.” Kageyama jokes and pulls out a tie from his pocket. He throws it to Hinata who catches it flawlessly.

“Hey that’s mine. You took it out of my desk.” Yamaguchi stammers out.

“That’s right, Tadashi. Good solve. Tie for you.” Kageyama responds. Yamaguchi immediately brightens.

“Thanks!” Tsukishima rolls his eyes but has a small smile on his face.

“Now everyone be sure to put those on, because it’s impossible to solve crimes unless you’re wearing a tie.”

“Lay off the Captain. That man is going to be my rabbi.”

“Okay, first of all, when you use the word rabbi, you know that turns me on. And that’s unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your ‘rabbi’ is a pain in my ass.”

“Yeah, he’s a little too serious. What do you think, Tsukishima?” asked Yamaguchi.

“Seems cool.” He muttered.

“Yeah, seems cool, I agree.” Yamaguchi corrects himself.

“Looks like the perp stole: a computer, a watch, and a Jamón ibérico ham, valued at... what?! Six thousand dollars?” Tsukishima read off his notes.

“$6000 for a ham?”

“Jamón ibérico is an amazing cured ham from Spain. They had it at my uncle’s funeral. I _gorged_ myself at that funeral. I mean, I was constipated for three days.” Yamaguchi commented.

“Wow. That’s a great story, Yamaguchi. Thank you. All right, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Ukai and let him know we got a ten-tie situation.”

“Speaking of ties, where’s yours, Meep Morp?” came a voice from behind which undoubtedly was Captain Ukai’s. Hinata looked smug as Kageyama internally groaned.

“This is fantastic,” He muttered as he turned around, plasting a smile on his face “Captain. Hey! Welcome to the murder. What are you doing here?”

“I like to know what my detectives are up to. Is that okay with you?” He asks.

“Yep.”

“Take Shoyo and knock on doors - see if the neighbors heard anything.”

“Door duty? It’s a waste of time.” Kageyama scoffs.

“Kei and Tadashi check in with the coroner. Report back to me in an hour.” Captain Ukai finishes and then leaves the apartment with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi following him down. Kageyama sighs heavily and turns to Hinata.

“That went well.” he mumbles to himself.

“No it didn’t.” Captain Ukai yells in response.

“He’s got like, super hearing.” Kageyama turns to leave the room. Tsukishima walks to the patrol car and Yamaguchi runs after him.

“Hey Tsukki. Tsukishima. Um... I just happened to notice that there’s an old movie festival playing at the Film Forum this week. You want to go?”

“Sure.” he replied with a small smile on his face.

“Cool! Awesome. There’s a bunch of movie options. I’ll probably just go with something classic. Like _‘Citizen Kane’_.” Yamaguchi said quickly as Tsukishima buckled up.

“‘Citizen Kane’ is terrible. Pick a _good_ movie.”

“Good call. Smart,” nodded Yamaguchi as Tsukishima drove off, “I’ll do it. I’ll pick a better movie than ‘ _Citizen Kane’_.”

Back at the station, Captain Ukai had brought in Kiyoko Shimizu and Hitoka Yachi. He sat down at his desk after motioning them to sit.

“So Shimizu, Yachi, civilian administrators such as yourselves often have their ear to the ground. What do Tobio and Shoyo have riding on this bet of theirs?” he asked the two of them. They looked at each briefly, before Shimizu turned to Captain Ukai.

“We’ll tell you, on six conditions. Number One: you let me use your office to practice m’ dance moves. Second-” she started to say.

“How about this: if you tell me, I won’t have you suspended without pay.”

“Oh, that sounds great,” Yachi interjects before Shimizu has time to retort back, “Okay the deal is: if Hinata gets more arrests, Kageyama has to give him his car. It’s an old Mustang, it’s pretty sweet. If Kageyama gets more arrests, Hinata has to go on a date with him.”

“Kageyama guarantees it’ll end in sex. I’d bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. At the very least some touching.” Shimizu adds with a glint in her eye.

“Okay that’s enough.” Captain Ukai frowns.

“Caresses. I could see Kageyama showing up in a silk robe.” Shimizu rambles on.

“That’s enough.”

“Alright.”

“Thank you.” The two of them get up from their seats. Yachi’s face is flaming red.

All the while Kageyama and Hinata have been on door duty.

“Let the wasting of time begin.” Kageyama sighed. He knocks on apartment 4C. A tall man wearing glasses opens the door. Behind him a few people wearing beanies are seated on some cushions on the ground. 

“Hello sir. May we ask you a few questions?” Hinata happily asks him. The man nods vigorously.

“Yeah. Definitely. I’m actually- I’m actually super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell?” he said cautiously. Both Kageyama and Hinata looked at him skeptically. The two of them hesitantly responded with a “Yeah?”

“Cause a dude just broke in here, smoked weed, and bolted.” he laughed nervously. Kageyama frowned.

“Do you think it’s the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?” he asked. The man turned to look at the floor.

“...Yes.” The two police officers wrote him up and moved to the next apartment. 3C.

“Police!” Kageyama calls out as he knocks on the door. They are greeted by a man wearing a blue wool sweater. He peeks out from the still chained door.

“Hello. What’s your name?” Hinata asks.

“Hello. My name? Mlepnos.”

“Mmmhmm. Can you spell that please?” Hinata takes out his notepad and waits for the man to start.

“M-L-E-P. Clay.”

“Did you say ‘Clay’?” Hinata blinks.

“Yes. The ‘Clay’ is silent.”

“All right. Got it.” Hinata pulls out a photo of the victim and holds it out in front of him.

“Have you seen this man before? He was shot last night.” Hinata says. Mlepnos looks on silently and grabs the photo. He looks back at the two of them and says a quiet thank you and begins to shut the door.

“No. Sir? That’s ours. We need that. We-” Hinata cried but it fell on deaf ears. The man slammed the door shut.

“And he kept it.” Kageyama said, folding his arms over his chest. They moved on to the next apartments. A while goes by and they now find themselves in front of apartment 5F.

“Wall Street Journal on the doormat, top floor apartment. Twenty bucks says this guy’s like a hot eligible bachelor.” Hinata notices.

“I’ll take that action. Police, open up.” Kageyama bangs on the door. The door opens up to an old man in big round glasses, wearing a stained bathrobe and hooked up to an oxygen-machine, “Hello?!” he rasped out. Kageyama laughs.

“Hello sir! How are you today? My name is Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible-detective.” Hinata frowns next to him and they finish up quickly after that. They head back to the station and see that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are waiting for them at their desks. Captain Ukai is also there with them.

“No surprises from the coroner. Two gunshots, shoulder and chest.” Yamaguchi starts.

“None of the neighbors heard or saw anything. And what’s worse, Shoyo struck out with a 92 year-old.” 

“That is not accurate, sir.” Hinata defended.

“Wait, you hooked up with him? Ugh!” Kageyama leaned back in his seat. Hinata threw him a look.

“All right. Hit the pawn shops. Canvas the neighborhood. And while you’re out, you can buy yourself a tie.” Captain Ukai said. Kageyama stood up and grinned.

“Oh, actually, sir. I’m wearing a tie right now. Check it out!” He exclaims as he begins to lift up his shirt. They look down to see a tie wrapped around his middle.

“Secret tie!”

“First of all, I think you’re kind of over-doing it with the manscaping. But more importantly Detective, why do you refuse to take my orders seriously ?” Captain Ukai asked, “Does anyone here know why it’s important to me that you all dress so appropriately?” None of them answered. Kageyama looked everywhere but the Captain.

“Hmm. Four highly-trained detectives and not one of you can solve this simple mystery. Okay, I want to be briefed on any new developments. Any questions?” Kageyama looked up.

“I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much man-scaping, but we solved that one, so I’m good.” he joked, looking over at Yamaguchi.

“Mmhmm.” 

“Hey, Yams.”

“Yeah?”  
“What about this fancy ham stuff?”

“Jamón ibérico.”

“Yeah. The perp left a really expensive TV behind, but stole ham? I doesn’t make any sense. Is there a place near the crime scene that sells it?”

“Beneficio’s might.”

“Let’s go.”

“You gotta brief the C.O. first.”

“We’ll brief him after we catch this guy.” Kageyama said he grabbed his jacket. He motioned for Yamaguchi to follow him but before he left, Yamaguchi glanced back at Ukai’s office. They hopped into a car and made their way to “BENEFICIO’S LUXURY MARKET”. Inside the store, people were milling about. They walked over to the deli section, where behind the counter a hulking serbian butcher stood. Kageyama and Yamaguchi called for the man’s attention.

“My name is Ratko, I don’t know anything.” He said leaning on the glass display.

“Oh. Okay. You recognize this guy? Henry Morgenthau?” Kageyama asked holding out a picture in front of him. Ratko immediately looked away before answering no in a gruff voice.

“Maybe, actually... look at the picture?” he added with a tight smile.

“I don’t know him. I don’t know what happened. No more questions.” Ratko insisted. Kageyama tucked the photo back into his pocket and kept smiling.

“Well, why don’t I run a scenario past you, Ratko and tell me what you think? You do know Morgenthau. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams. You knew they were worth a lot of money, so you tried to steal them from him when he wasn’t home. Only he was home, so you shot him. Does that sound familiar? Uh maybe some role-play will jog your memory?”

“That’s a great idea!” Yamaguchi exclaimed “Uh, so I’m... I’m Ratko.”

“No, no I’m Ratko” Kageyama turned to look at him.

“Come on. I’m always the victim.”

“Look, I’m not doing this with you right here.” Kageyama muttered.

“Fine. Fine.” Yamaguchi clears his throat, “ _Oh I’m Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. Don’t I know you from the grocery store?”_

 _“Kill._ And scene.” Kageyama said, turning to face Ratko again. Ratko pushes over a display of Italian tuna and runs. He jumps over the counter and makes a break for it.

“NYPD! EVERYONE, DOWN!” Kageyama yelled as he ran after Ratko. He tries to run after him but the old lady in front of him doesn’t want to budge.

“Ma'am, if you could just get down,” he said but the old lady looked at him in confusion “Or ignore me and continue shopping.” Kageyama looked behind him to see that Yamaguchi had already drawn his gun.

“Yams! Get the door!” he yelled back at him. Yamaguchi nodded and replied, “On it!”

“Ratko.” He calls out as he makes his way down the aisle of chips. As Kageyama reaches the end, a bag of oranges was thrown at him. It knocks the gun out of Kageyama’s hand. He chases after him and Ratko grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him back into the shelves. Kageyama manages to push Ratko off. He laughs in triumph. Ratko pulls Kageyama up and throws him towards Yamaguchi. The two topple over each other and Ratko runs back to the deli station and hops over the counter. Kageyama gets up and Ratko proceeds to throw pieces of bread at the two of them.

“Ow! Ratko! Now I’m getting mad!” Kageyama yelled out.

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That’s a waste of Manchego!” Yamaguchi exclaimed. Kageyama glanced over at him.

“Yams!” Kageyama motioned for him to go around the aisle. Kageyama got up and sneaks down the aisle with his gun drawn. As he turns the corner, the old lady from earlier is pushing her cart that is almost full and blocks his way again.

“How are you still here?” he asks bewilderingly.

“Kageyama! Little help?” Yamaguchi cried. Kageyama turns to see where Yamaguchi is. He was being held down, face-first, in the tubs of gelato. 

“Ah Ratko! We’re not going anywhere Kageyama.”

“Ratko!” Kageyama jumped over the counter and ran towards Yamaguchi 

“I’ve got him! It’s cool. I got him! He’s all mine!” Yamaguchi said rapidly as he climbed out tubs of gelato. Ratko had ran when he saw Kageyama moving closer and he was out the door by the time Kageyama reached Yamaguchi.


	3. Records Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop i forgot this was a project i had

Kageyama and Yamaguchi are called in to the new Captain’s office when they get back. The two of them are exhausted and covered in food. Daichi is standing behind Captain Ukai, who was sitting in his chair, looking at the two of them.

“So, no, I did not brief you. And, yes, he did get away. But, some bonus good news, I got you hazelnut!” Kageyama pulled out a small cup of gelato from behind his back and placed it on Captain Ukai’s desk. “And... little spoon there, for you.” Captain Ukai looks up at Kageyama furiously. He orders Yamaguchi to get cleaned up and then orders Kageyama to go home for the day. His punishment will be decided tomorrow.

* * *

“Is he seriously assigning me to the records room? I mean, why do we even have a records room? The computer has been invented, right? I didn’t dream it?” Kageyama grumbled as he placed a file on the desk. Daichi sighed and Hinata looked on as he tried his best not to laugh out loud.

“You’re lucky, man. I wish I could get assigned here full time. You could not be farther from the action.” Daichi sighs lovingly as he crosses his arms over his chest. Kageyama groans.

“Sergeant, you know me. I have more arrests than anyone. Can you please tell the captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet?”

“Second best.” Hinata scoffs holding up his hand. 

“You’re wrong about Ukai. That man has forgotten more about being a cop than you’ll ever know. In 1981, he caught the Disco Strangler.” Daichi states turning to look at both detectives.

**...**

**A young Ukai runs down in the sewers looking for the Disco Strangler. He turns the corner with his gun drawn.**

**“It’s over, Disco Man. Put down the yo-yo and back away from the girl.” He yells at a white guy with a giant Afro and roller skates, who’s strangling a prostitute with a light-up YO-YO.**

**...**

“Wow.” Kageyama said with a fake serious tone.

“The man is the real deal. You need to listen to him.” Diachi stated, bordering a threatening tone as he stalked out of the room. Hinata smirked and moved closer to Kageyama. 

“Going to be hard to win our bet when you’re on the bench, Tobio. Although, I did start a new category- ‘Murderers We Let Go’.” Hinata pulls out a writing pad with that scribbled on it. Kageyama’s column already has one point. Kageyama puts his hands on his hips and he rolls his eyes.

“And look at that! You’re winning! Have fun with your files.” Hinata sets the pad down and walks away with a huge smile on his face.

“Yeah. You know what? I will. I will have fun with my files. Have fun with your face!” Kageyama rounds the table and tries to slam the door closed but a stack of file boxes prevents it from closing.

“Slam! That was a slam!” Kageyama called out. He grunted in irritation and went to sit down. 

Meanwhile back in the bullpen, Tsukishima made his way over to Yamaguchi’s desk, who was currently burying his head in some files. Tsukishima kicks Yam’s desk to get his attention. Yamaguchi jumped up from his seat and looked over at Tsukishima.

“So? What movie did you get tickets to?” He asked, with a small smile.

“Oh well, just to be safe, I bought tickets to all of them.” Yamaguchi stuttered out while grabbing the printed tickets. Tsukishima immediately frowned.

“‘Just to be safe?’ What does that mean?” Yamaguchi paled.

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to mess up, because you’re sort of... opinionated.”

“You think I’m opinionated? Okay, here’s an opinion for you: you’re a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit.” Tsukishima said as he leaned in.

“...So we could see North by Northwest-”

“We are not seeing a movie together.” Tsukishima spat out as he walked away.

“Good call. Smart. Keep it profesh.” he says to himself. Yamaguchi glances over at Kiyoko who was watching from her desk. She gives him a thumbs up. Yamaguchi perks up and smiles. Then she turns her thumb down and mimics a bomb explosion. He grimaces, nods in agreement and goes back to work.

Later, Kageyama is still sitting at the desk in the Records Room. Captain Ukai knocks at the door, before going in.

“Hey Captain.” Kageyama says before straightening his tie.

“So, you found something?” He says and points to Kageyama’s chest, “Hey, I like the tie.” 

“If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Anyway, I think I got something good here. Turns out the name ‘Ratko’ is made up. But I was digging through these files, one of which I literally found in a spider web, and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug. Street names, ‘The Rat’ and ‘The Butcher.’ He was known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence, the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau's counter.”

“That’s fine work, detective.” Ukai says with a look of approval.

“Thank you very much, sir. A testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. Let's pound it out.” Kageyama grunts as he gets up. When he stands he reveals that he’s not wearing any pants, just a brightly colored speedo. Captain Ukai waits a beat.

“You know what? Such fine police work. Let's share it with the whole team. Shoyo, Tadashi, Kei, get in here. Bring everyone. And a camera.” He yells out into the hall. Upon hearing Captain Ukai say that, Kageyama grabs a file to cover himself up.

“That’s not necessary- Anddd they’re here.” The room is packed to the gills. The whole squad somehow shoved into the small room.

“Let's have a hand for the work of the fine master detective, Tobio Kageyama. Yeah. Let's have a hand, everyone. Give him a hand.” Captain Ukai starts to clap and the rest of the gang joins in.

“Yeahhh. Nice.” Tsukishima says with a grin.


End file.
